Faith is not a commodity, we either have or we don't have -- it is an inner quality to that unfolds as we learn to trust our own deepest experience.  -- Sharon Salzberg, Faith

Recently I found my copy of "The Life Organizer: A Woman's Guide to the Mindful Year" by Jennifer Louden.  This it the first quote on the workbook part of the book.  I had to ponder the idea of "faith" for a minute before I realized how to make it work for me.

As a RUUist, I don't have faith in a deity.  I am what you'd consider a mindful, and (trying to be) peaceful atheist.  So, faith is a word I can have a hard time with.  But today, as I sat down to think about it, I really do have faith, it's just not the type that actual religious people have, which is usually to describe it as "belief without proof".  

So, what is faith to a RUUist?  Actually, it's the exact opposite of religious faith.  For one, I have faith in my husband.  I have faith in all he does.  I know he's an amazing writer and will definitely make it both the movie biz and the novel biz (he's a screenwriter with a few movies under his belt and a novelist).  I not only have faith he will make it because he has a work ethic and some amazing talent, but also because he's proven to get both published by a major publishing company (which was later pulled due the entire line of fiction being pulled) and he's got several screenplays that were made into short films.   Two, I have faith in his love for me because he proves it every single day, as I prove mine for him.

I also have faith my children.  If they set their minds to do something, they will achieve it.  They've shown me this time and again.  And I have faith they will keep this up and do great things one day (although they are doing great things just by existing <3).

I have faith in myself.  I know I can do great things if I would just apply myself (hmmm, I sound like every single report card I've ever received).   I know this, because I've proved this in the past, to myself.

But as you can see, for those of us who walked away from actual religion, we tend to put our faith in things that have proven to use that they are possible.  If my husband had never written a word and just started out, would I have faith he'd actually get someone to make movies out of his screen plays?  I'd hope, but that's not the same thing as faith.  Since people have made movies out of his writing already, I have faith there will be more in the future.

But having faith where there is no proof?

I don't even understand that concept.  

When my son wanted to make his own forge, I had no idea if he could do it.  I mean, he's made other things, but a forge is a pretty hefty idea.  I knew could probably do it, but have faith that he 100% could?  To be honest, I just was glad for him to have a project work on and hoped he would not destroy my brand new fire pit! LOL  I put no faith in his outcome, because it didn't matter to me if he actually made one or not (though I hoped he did, because he really, really wanted to).  But then he did.  And it worked.  And it was awesome!  So now, I have faith he can make anything he sets his mind to.  And he has made other things since, always following through until his goal is finished.  His brother has that same tenacity, and they both blow my mind daily with the things they can do.

Proof provides us the faith of another's (or our own) ability(ies). 

My ex-husband once professed his faith that we'd stay together forever.  He 100% believed we'd last (I think he was lying, but whatever LOL).  He put his faith into me where I did not deserve it.  I was not happy.  He knew I wasn't happy.  I told everyone I wasn't happy, including his own family.  But yet, he stuck that misplaced faith on our relationship for no good reason.  We fought like dogs: we yelled, we screamed, we swore, we were horribly mean to one another and yet he thought we'd last forever.  In what world does that show you the proof that you need in order to put your 100% faith into it?  He ended up with me moving out and him living alone for awhile.  If he would had been paying attention, he would have seen it coming and been prepared for it.

Be careful where you put your faith.  If you don't have any proof, then there is nothing to place it in.

Now with my second marriage, I can safely say I have faith we will last forever.  The proof is in the daily pudding: we don't fight, we might get annoyed and complain at each other or get grouchy, but we always talk it out, we always admit to our faults, and we always say we're sorry.  Not only that, we're both always evolving and changing together, which is why so many marriages fail: they evolve and change apart.  Now, what if we didn't last forever and I had put my faith into us?  What if he found a young hot blonde go run off with?  Well, a) that's not in his nature LOL and b) I'd eventually have to accept it.  Would I have been wrong to put my faith in our marriage?  No way.  Faith doesn't mean you're always going to be 100% right.  Nothing is 100%.

Because faith doesn't mean you should be attached to the outcome.  It just means you have applied the scientific method to your situation and come up the most likely answer which is supported by factual data.

The scientific method goes like this:

• A) you have come up with an idea and asked a question (Is he the right guy for me and will we last forever?) 
• B) did your background research (I did google him before we met to make sure he wasn't some crazy stalker or something LOL) 
• C) construct a hypothesis (yes, we get along pretty well, and will hopefully last forever, but let's test this out and see) 
• D) experiment (after 11 years of little ups and downs, we've leveled out and know each other pretty well and are BFF's) 
• E) analyze your data (we get along so well, love doing things together, we communicate instead of fight, we raise our kids on the same page, we support one another through everything, so yeah, I'd bet on us...it's a pretty sure thing) 
• F) communicate your findings ("hey sweetheart, we're staying together until we're old and gray and have walkers!"  "sure but you're 6 years older, so you'll get old first!" he'll say back to me...and he'd be right on that one LOL) and THEN you can put your faith into it.  

So while I can't predict the future, I'd say my marriage is safe bet.  My ex's bet was lost, because he placed all of his money on the wrong horse (neigh!) and didn't even stop to look around to see what his odds were.

Faith is an easy bet.  It's not even a gamble.  If it's a hard bet and you'll probably end up losing?  Don't put your faith into it. Just don't.  Just wait and see.  Do some more testing.  The scientific method applies to every single situation in your life, not just science (well, life is science, so maybe everything is always science??).  Ask a question, gather information, make an educated guess (not a blind guess!), then test the crap out of it.  I don't mean to force human beings to go through silly tests, just pay attention.  If you are sick, is the person there for you?  Or do they force you take your sick butt to go get your own meds while they play video games?  If you need help, are they always there?  Or are they always nowhere to be found or always have an excuse?  That's what I mean.

This doesn't apply only to relationships, but jobs, and life choices, and everything else in your life.  You can test out anything, if it doesn't work, that's fine.  But if it does, and consistently does?  That's when your faith is deserved.

There are no wrong choices, only experiences to be had.  But there are wrong things to put your faith into.  But if you feel comfortable and aren't paying attention, then you might get the rug pulled out from under you.

Why faith?

Because what you can honestly put your faith into you don't have to worry about.  You have to work at it, always, but you don't have to second guess it.  Knowing something doesn't mean you become attached to it.  It just means you don't have to wonder too much about it anymore.  You can just live in the knowing, and work to keep it going (hey, that rhymes!) because you know it's true (for as much as you can say anything is "true").  Because the scientific method told you so!  Ha!

So as RUUists, we put our faith into things that have proven themselves true to us, whether they are people, jobs, life experiences, etc.  We don't sit around and put faith into things that have no proof.  That's what organized religion is for.  And cults.  And that shiz?  That ain't for us.  We're "proofers" (not truthers!).  Show us the pudding, pull out the truth, and maybe we'll put our faith into it......




What have you put your faith into?  Have you ever put your faith into something only to lose it later?  If so, how did that effect you?  Or did you have it work out?  Tell me your stories below!

I've said it before, and it bears repeating: RUU is exploration.  Spirituality.  Scientifically.  Personally.  Etc.  And that's just what I've been doing lately, exploring where I stand on a great number of things.

Lately I've been on the Atheist pages on Facebook and reading what they have to say.

In the past, I avoided them, because I found them to be pretty mean, always making fun of what requires "faith" to work in someone's brain, be it religion, or otherwise.  They make fun of reiki, tarot, or anything metaphysical.  They make fun of yoga too, but not the practice of yoga, but the belief of spirituality part.

And I get it.  And I even started following some of their ways: letting things in the past that I allowed to just "be" because it wasn't my business to tell others what to think, now were a source of anger for me.  Like religion.  So much of what atheists said made sense.  Things I thought were "morally" bad in the past (or maybe not bad, but had moral consequences) now were seen with new eyes.

But I've been pretty angry lately.  I've given up so much of what I used to do, all because now I saw it all as sheer and utter bullshit.

But rather than have this new found freedom make me a better person, I found myself rolling my eyes at things I once enjoyed.

I've been a tarot reader since I was 12 years old.  I am now 37.  That's 25 years of doing something.  And after reading all about how cold readings work and really digging deep into the "scammy" parts of tarot, I realized I was not doing anyone a service by thinking I had some kind of psychic powers.  Yes, I can read people really well.  Yes, I feel very "in tune" to others, and even identified myself as "empathic", meaning I could feel the way others feel, like it was some kind of "special power".  But the truth is, I can do this.  I can pick on people's feelings very easily and even if they don't say anything I can tell how they are feeling.  Is that special?  Probably not.  I might just have knack for picking up on body language easily.  And when I heard someone who is a proven charlatan call herself "indigo" and "empathic" (both of which I previously identified with), it made me realize that I sounded like a loon for saying and thinking these things.  And I never want to be associated with a loon like her.  It's funny when you can look from the outside at yourself and see how others may view you.  It's quite sobering.

I always prided myself on pricing myself fairly ($25 per reading) because I knew people didn't have money to spare.  Shit, last year I had a psychic come to my house and it cost me $50 and even though she came highly recommended, I found she was off her rocker.  I give way more information in a reading that this psychic did (who told me she saw snakes everywhere in my house....?????)  Oh and this year we bought my son a snake for his birthday (the poor thing was sick when he came to us and ended up dying) and my son said "Oh wow!  Maybe that's what that psychic meant?"  I said "No, we bought that snake.  On purpose.  Knowing she said that.  It is not related in any way.  Also, she said 'lots of snakes'.  We had only one."  See how easily one can be duped into thinking what she said had come true?  Had I been a true "believer" of psychics, I may have agreed with him.  The only things she got right was my dad's name "Richard" and my great-aunt's name "Esther".  1) Richard is easy.  It's a very common name.  After she left, I looked at my son and said "Look, I will try it on you.  *held my hands to my temples*  I am getting a name.  Joe? John?  It's a J name.  Is there a Joe in your family?  In your life at all?"  I could pick any name and do this and then cycle through J names until I hit upon one.  Joe is my kids' uncle, btw.  So I would had hit a home run with that one!  haha  Just as she did with "Richard".  2) Esther is a common name from days back when.  She could have come up with several names from olden times, and one would probably hit.  Thing is, Esther never met before....she died before I was born.  So why would she be hanging around my house?  She also told me other names I didn't identify with, but told me "eventually it come to you" when I just plainly said "there is no one in my life named that".  Sure, ya it will.

That's how they get you, too.  "Oh I am wrong?  Well, I am really not actually wrong, you just haven't put it together yet...."

And coming to this conclusion is what stopped me from continuing with reading the tarot.  I can't even bring myself to read it for myself.  It's like I am angry with it or something.  Like it's their fault for deceiving me all these years, yet it was me who deceived myself.

But now, a couple weeks after getting off some of those sites and distancing myself from FB a bit, I realize that it wasn't perhaps the tarot was "sheer and utter bullshit" but the way I was presenting itself.  For a year now, I've been seeing tarot in a new light: that it's a tool for your psyche, not something "psychic".  That it can be used in such a way to release hidden thought processes and shed light on what we REALLY think and feel, rather than just the parts we show to others, and at times, ourselves.

Rather than "tell the future".

And it's not just the atheist pages, it's the science pages, too.  Today I just left yet another science page because they keep bashing people like who I used to be before I got on their page.  I used to feel that positive thinking helped my life be better.  Then these pages shame those for thinking this, so I end up feeling bad (or rather, I feel bullied) into thinking I must be stupid for feeling that it might possibly work.

And why?  Why am I letting these pages control who I am?  I have NO IDEA if it's legit science that helps positive thinking make your life better, or if it's just a placebo effect, but what the fuck do I care?  If it doesn't hurt anyone, then why NOT give it a try?

I mean, I used to be deeply spiritual (personal spirituality) and now I feel......empty.  And these people have put me in this place.  Well, I put me in this place, but I let their words affect me in such a way that I believed them.

I used to entertain the idea of spirits (I even wrote a book about it). I used to love my tarot cards (and have a popular website for it).  I used to talk to my dad (who's been dead for 15 years).  I felt something.  I felt connected.  I had spiritual experiences.  Now I feel so utterly devoid of anything good anymore.

And that's going to change.  I can't go on believing who I was before was a total lie.  That somehow I was lying to myself.  But I was happy.  I was so very happy.

And now I am not.

So I am going to leave all these pages (even at the sake of my own scientific education--or find better pages for education only) and go find out who I am with the new knowledge I have learned, but combined with who I used to be.  I will seek solace in nature.  Start talking to my dad again (and who cares if he can't hear me??  who am I hurting?).  Start reading tarot again.  Find out who I am WITH spirituality AND science.

And I hope you all don't fall into the same trap I did: when seeking out new info, to let that new info obliterate your entire self of who you are and used to be.  But who knows?  Maybe I needed to obliterate my old self in order to find something even better in the new?

I sure hope so.  We'll see.


I feel like I am on the edge of yet another "finding myself" journey again.  And while I don't like how I feel right now, I know we need negativity in order to find change.  So I am prepared.  And willing.  To move forward into a new world of things to explore and contemplate and think about.  I just hope things change soon because I am tired of feeling like I am defeated.

• Breezes on my face
• When a song comes on that matches what I am thinking at that exact moment
• A trickling stream (or water sounds in general)
• Sunny days with birds singing
• Laying in my hammock
• Walking in the woods
• Being silent in nature
• Being silent while viewing and experiencing nature (even if not outside)
• Listening to my cat purr
• Laughing with someone I love
• Feeling content with someone I love
• Meditating
• Shamanic Journeying (or my version of it)
• Visualization
• Music
• Rubbing my kitty's belly
• Singing along with a song I love
• Mood lighting (candles or dim lights)
• Thunderstorms
• Howling wind (hearing, but not experiencing it)
• Watching certain movies
• Reading certain books
• Painting
• Drawing
• Creating art in any way
• Creating music
• Writing
• Driving in good weather with the windows open and good music
• Having a cat sleep on my chest
• Hugging my dogs
• Being with my wonderful family <3

And soooooooooooooooo much more!  This is my short list.  What you can you add to it for yourself?

I stole this title from Mackelmore's song entitled "Church".  I love this song.  It expresses exactly how I feel.  My version of god is my own and I can feel connected to him and everything else in the universe when I am listening to music.  It's a part of me.  It is me.

I connect with the world and myself through music.  I don't think people can fully understand how much music means to me.  Or maybe they do because they also have music running through their veins.

I am lucky because I live with musicians.  My husband is a music creator.  He can play the guitar and sing like nobody's business.  Here is his and my son's cover of Alice Cooper's "I am made of you".  He is so very talented, which is part of the reason I fell for him (he used to play me songs over yahoo chat--we met online 10 years ago).  I could just get lost in his songs, whether he wrote them or not.  He wrote me many songs and always made me CD's.

It just makes sense I'd marry a creative musician <3  Well, not to mention he's also the bee's knees in every other way *wink wink*

My 17 year old son plays the bass and is amazing singer (he has a bass voice, figures he'd play the bass then LOL).  He is completely self-taught (as am I and my hubby) and is really, really good.  We unschool and he takes it upon himself to learn what he needs to know in music.  No prodding needed from mom and dad :)  We just gave him my hubby's old 4-string and now he's bought a 5-string and plays regularly with my hubby.  He also practices daily in his room when he's alone.  Music runs through his veins as well.

I play the violin, keyboard/piano, and ukulele.  Right now I have a pink uke, and a pink violin, and no keyboard (mine broke).  I love to create music, but I think today I love to listen to it more.



Nature and music are what makes me come alive.  Put them together and you have my perfect "church".  I will get out my hammock, put on some headphones, get out some art supplies, and just live.

When I am in my church, I don't need to repent (the music does that for me).  I don't need to ask for forgiveness (the music always forgives me).  I don't need to pray (the words in the songs are my prayer).  I don't need kneel (I just need to be comfortable).  I don't need to donate my money (I already bought the CD silly!).  I don't need to hear a sermon (the words are my sermon).

Music uplifts me, forgives me, loves me, gives me what I need.  It can quell my anger, my sadness, my broken heart.  It can take a beautiful day and make it a million times more beautiful.  It can energize me to make a difference in the world.  I can't fix anything and everything I need it to.  Music is not only my church, it is my religion (if I had one).  RUU is a statement that says "I know nothing", but music the closest thing I have to an actual religion.  It's everything I need when I need something.  When there is no one to turn to, I turn to music.  It fills me up until I am whole again.  It mends my broken parts.  It is my healer, my lover, my goddess.  It is me.

I think if you'd take a look at my DNA, it would be made of musical notes, infused with lyrics of life.  My soul is made from music (and other forms of creativity).  I think when I die, when (and if) my soul leaves my body to go join the universe, a melody will be heard by those near me.  A tinkling of chimes.  A few notes on a piano.  The strum of guitar.  A chorus of violins playing my tune.

As a child, music meant more to me than anything.  I NEEDED it then, desperately.  Music was my escape.  When my parents would say horrible things to me or about me in their yelling and screaming, I would put on the opposite side of my 45 LP of "We Are the World", which was "Grace" by Quincy Jones.  I would be bawling my eyes out, but when I turned on this song, I would just listen.  I would it take me away.  And soon as those synth horns started, I would be gone.  No longer in my body.  I became the music.

 And by the time it was done, I'd "wake up" (though not asleep---it was like I was in a trance).  And I'd feel 100% fine.  Nothing mattered anymore. I didn't feel angry.  Sad.  Or otherwise.  I just felt....complete.  Serene.  Steady.  Perfect.

If they were still yelling, it no longer mattered.  Nothing mattered.  I was so calm and centered that nothing could bother me for the rest of the day.

Growing up, my walkman was glued to my hip.  I never went anywhere without my headphones and some great cassette tapes.  Cyndi Lauper was who I identified with most growing up, as she was also an "outcast" like me.  Her lyrics are musical style fit this persona as well.  It fit my persona.

When someone asks me "what is your favorite type of music?" I say "all of it".  Because it is.  I have varied musical tastes, anywhere from bluegrass, to indie, to rap, to metal.  And everything in between.

All music speaks to me.  And while I don't play much violin or piano anymore, or my ukulele, I still enjoy music for what it means to me.  I like to listen more than I feel the need to create it.  And I like to listen to it LOUD (thank goodness for my surround sound system!).  I like to feel my music, experience it, not just hear it.

Music is who I am, and who I'll always be.  It is my savior, my god, my church, and my religion.  Music is always religious experience for me, even if it's just listening to Pandora while typing a blog (oh, like right now).  I thank the universe for creating musicians and music.  A world without music would be bleak and uninviting.  Art can get me by, but music is where it's at.  I need it to write, to draw, to think, and to heal.  I need it to survive.

And I know I am not the only one.  Because music heals the world.




How do you connect to music?  If not music, what do you see as your holy place?  Art?  Books?  Gardening?

Religions pretend to know the truth.

They never say "possibly this is the right way".  No, instead they say "THIS IS THE ONE AN ONLY TRUTH".

There are no "maybes" or "I don't knows".  There is only "truth" in religion.

But what happens when a religious person is wrong?  Which they always are, when you really boil it down.

Suicides happen.

Wars happen.

Parents disown their children.

People make stupid mistakes and careless choices when they think things are a "one and only" way. 

People get hurt because of these mistakes and choices.

Things get blown up.

People fly airplanes into buildings killing masses of amounts of people.

Children strap explosives to themselves, as do adults, in order to die to please their version of a god.

Other children are shamed for being "kids", all because of "sin".

Other children are denied life-saving treatments such as blood transfusions or chemotherapy.

Religion causes madness and people to do mad things.

All in the name of "God".

If you are ever able to step back and say "I don't know if this is the truth, it might not be", then we are able to separate ourselves from our creator(s) and realize WE aren't the way of "God" or "Jehovah" or "Jah" or "Mohammad" or "Ra" or whatever idea we wish to worship.  And with that separation, we can allow for others to have their own beliefs and ideas, because we don't know the "one true way".

Instead we know of "the many ways".  We know of "the infinite ways"; "the no true way"; "the way of us".  Because spirituality should be personal, and not shared, there is no "one true way".  Not in RUU.

Instead, stop "knowing" things, and start questioning things.  Stop "believing" things, and start NOT believing them.  Instead entertain the ideas, play with them, see what fits, and leave the rest behind. 

Because when we start saying we KNOW things for 100% fact?

That's when it gets dangerous. 

Accept the fact that you do not know, and revel in the glory that life and everything that goes with it is much grander and larger and more complicated than any human could ever even begin to imagine.

Now THAT is something to celebrate and contemplate on.  That nobody really "knows"...anything at all.

Right now I am reading PZ Meyers' book "The Happy Atheist". 

A lot of what he says resonates with me.  Except the current chapters I am reading titled "Soulless" and "Afterlife?  What Afterlife?"

In these two chapters, he declares there is absolutely nothing after we die.  He also says "I'd rather be honest than deluded and dumb" when referring to the idea there is life after death.  Another thing he says is "There is no evidence at all for an afterlife". 

I guess that is all in what you consider "evidence".  For him, it would be scientific proof.  But the problem with using science to explain spirituality, is that he's not looking at the right level of science. 

What if you went beyond quantum physics?  What is the next layer of science?  Could there be all the explanations we need as humans to explain everything we see as ESP or miracles or past lives or anything of the sort?  What if we just haven't discovered it yet? 

Those who have had OBE's and NDE's and miracles and everything else would love to argue with Mr. PZ and say "But there IS proof!  Personal proof".

Can we deny personal proof?  Well, unless it has happened to us, yes we can.  But for those of us who have experienced such things, we have all the proof we need. 

The problem with PZ Meyers and all of his Atheist friends AND Christians and other Abrahamic religions is this: They all pretend to know the "truth". 

And the answer is that there isn't any one truth, not for all of us.  We each have our own truths....YET if you stay in that middle of zone, where Ruuism lies, then you don't even have that.  You have notions, but no truths.  You have ideas, but no facts. 

The difference between me and Atheists and Abrahamic religions and Buddhists and everyone else?

I don't pretend to know the truth.

I am not arrogant to believe that a little 'ol human like myself knows the truth about anything this universe has to offer, or how it's rules work. 

Do I believe in biology?  Psychology?  And anything else our medical science has to offer?  Yes, of course.  But I also know that:

1) these sciences are proven wrong from time to time--people beat the odds and heal themselves with no trace of whatever they had and medical science cannot explain it (yet) and

2) everything is fallible, nothing works 100% of the time. 

But just because we can't explain something, doesn't make it magical.  It just shows we have a LONG way to go before we understand how everything works.  And will we ever get there?  I have no clue.

But that's what I revel in. 

Will I go to heaven after I die?  Is there any type of afterlife at all?  Or will I just shut my eyes and be gone?

My answer is and always will be the same:

I do not know. 

And that thrills me!  And it also leaves everything open for me to say "What if there is nothing when I die?  So I better live life to the damn fullest while I can, because if this all there is, then I better make it FUCKING AMAZING!!"

And if there is an afterlife? It will fucking rock! 

But I won't know until then, so why worry about it?  I can't control what happens to me after I die, but I CAN control (partly) of how I choose to live. 

And that my friends, is all that matters.  I may not know anything at all, but that's okay.  I can dream, I can create, I can do so many things.  Knowing is not necessary. 

So let's do this together--let's not pretend to know things we don't, and just be happy with what have now. 

Because without that, what's the point?