I've said it before, and it bears repeating: RUU is exploration. Spirituality. Scientifically. Personally. Etc. And that's just what I've been doing lately, exploring where I stand on a great number of things.
Lately I've been on the Atheist pages on Facebook and reading what they have to say.
In the past, I avoided them, because I found them to be pretty mean, always making fun of what requires "faith" to work in someone's brain, be it religion, or otherwise. They make fun of reiki, tarot, or anything metaphysical. They make fun of yoga too, but not the practice of yoga, but the belief of spirituality part.
And I get it. And I even started following some of their ways: letting things in the past that I allowed to just "be" because it wasn't my business to tell others what to think, now were a source of anger for me. Like religion. So much of what atheists said made sense. Things I thought were "morally" bad in the past (or maybe not bad, but had moral consequences) now were seen with new eyes.
But I've been pretty angry lately. I've given up so much of what I used to do, all because now I saw it all as sheer and utter bullshit.
But rather than have this new found freedom make me a better person, I found myself rolling my eyes at things I once enjoyed.
I've been a tarot reader since I was 12 years old. I am now 37. That's 25 years of doing something. And after reading all about how cold readings work and really digging deep into the "scammy" parts of tarot, I realized I was not doing anyone a service by thinking I had some kind of psychic powers. Yes, I can read people really well. Yes, I feel very "in tune" to others, and even identified myself as "empathic", meaning I could feel the way others feel, like it was some kind of "special power". But the truth is, I can do this. I can pick on people's feelings very easily and even if they don't say anything I can tell how they are feeling. Is that special? Probably not. I might just have knack for picking up on body language easily. And when I heard someone who is a proven charlatan call herself "indigo" and "empathic" (both of which I previously identified with), it made me realize that I sounded like a loon for saying and thinking these things. And I never want to be associated with a loon like her. It's funny when you can look from the outside at yourself and see how others may view you. It's quite sobering.
I always prided myself on pricing myself fairly ($25 per reading) because I knew people didn't have money to spare. Shit, last year I had a psychic come to my house and it cost me $50 and even though she came highly recommended, I found she was off her rocker. I give way more information in a reading that this psychic did (who told me she saw snakes everywhere in my house....?????) Oh and this year we bought my son a snake for his birthday (the poor thing was sick when he came to us and ended up dying) and my son said "Oh wow! Maybe that's what that psychic meant?" I said "No, we bought that snake. On purpose. Knowing she said that. It is not related in any way. Also, she said 'lots of snakes'. We had only one." See how easily one can be duped into thinking what she said had come true? Had I been a true "believer" of psychics, I may have agreed with him. The only things she got right was my dad's name "Richard" and my great-aunt's name "Esther". 1) Richard is easy. It's a very common name. After she left, I looked at my son and said "Look, I will try it on you. *held my hands to my temples* I am getting a name. Joe? John? It's a J name. Is there a Joe in your family? In your life at all?" I could pick any name and do this and then cycle through J names until I hit upon one. Joe is my kids' uncle, btw. So I would had hit a home run with that one! haha Just as she did with "Richard". 2) Esther is a common name from days back when. She could have come up with several names from olden times, and one would probably hit. Thing is, Esther never met before....she died before I was born. So why would she be hanging around my house? She also told me other names I didn't identify with, but told me "eventually it come to you" when I just plainly said "there is no one in my life named that". Sure, ya it will.
That's how they get you, too. "Oh I am wrong? Well, I am really not actually wrong, you just haven't put it together yet...."
And coming to this conclusion is what stopped me from continuing with reading the tarot. I can't even bring myself to read it for myself. It's like I am angry with it or something. Like it's their fault for deceiving me all these years, yet it was me who deceived myself.
But now, a couple weeks after getting off some of those sites and distancing myself from FB a bit, I realize that it wasn't perhaps the tarot was "sheer and utter bullshit" but the way I was presenting itself. For a year now, I've been seeing tarot in a new light: that it's a tool for your psyche, not something "psychic". That it can be used in such a way to release hidden thought processes and shed light on what we REALLY think and feel, rather than just the parts we show to others, and at times, ourselves.
Rather than "tell the future".
And it's not just the atheist pages, it's the science pages, too. Today I just left yet another science page because they keep bashing people like who I used to be before I got on their page. I used to feel that positive thinking helped my life be better. Then these pages shame those for thinking this, so I end up feeling bad (or rather, I feel bullied) into thinking I must be stupid for feeling that it might possibly work.
And why? Why am I letting these pages control who I am? I have NO IDEA if it's legit science that helps positive thinking make your life better, or if it's just a placebo effect, but what the fuck do I care? If it doesn't hurt anyone, then why NOT give it a try?
I mean, I used to be deeply spiritual (personal spirituality) and now I feel......empty. And these people have put me in this place. Well, I put me in this place, but I let their words affect me in such a way that I believed them.
I used to entertain the idea of spirits (I even wrote a book about it). I used to love my tarot cards (and have a popular website for it). I used to talk to my dad (who's been dead for 15 years). I felt something. I felt connected. I had spiritual experiences. Now I feel so utterly devoid of anything good anymore.
And that's going to change. I can't go on believing who I was before was a total lie. That somehow I was lying to myself. But I was happy. I was so very happy.
And now I am not.
So I am going to leave all these pages (even at the sake of my own scientific education--or find better pages for education only) and go find out who I am with the new knowledge I have learned, but combined with who I used to be. I will seek solace in nature. Start talking to my dad again (and who cares if he can't hear me?? who am I hurting?). Start reading tarot again. Find out who I am WITH spirituality AND science.
And I hope you all don't fall into the same trap I did: when seeking out new info, to let that new info obliterate your entire self of who you are and used to be. But who knows? Maybe I needed to obliterate my old self in order to find something even better in the new?
I sure hope so. We'll see.
I feel like I am on the edge of yet another "finding myself" journey again. And while I don't like how I feel right now, I know we need negativity in order to find change. So I am prepared. And willing. To move forward into a new world of things to explore and contemplate and think about. I just hope things change soon because I am tired of feeling like I am defeated.
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